|Two years Gone..... without you in our lives
I guess I jump from 4 months to 2 years. Not that I dont write, I have a journal at home and write in it mostly. Some feelings are mine and Kristins. Some things are still sacred. Plus, if I wrote here all the thoughts and feelings I have, it would fill up way too soon.
So now two years have passed. Where do we stand. We still stand in shock that Kristin does not bless our day with her sweet smile, bubbley personality, wonderful hugs, and warm presence. It is so hard to explain how a parents mind is overcome with so much during grief. Even after two years, it doesnt stop. You take for granite the things you have everyday, and then its gone. And all you have is your thoughts, your memories. It doesnt take much to jog your memory... a taste, a smell, a song, a commercial, a laugh, a teenager, a shirt, etc.
So many, think they know what this road is like. They think they may could even possibly imagine it. Save your energy because its all wrong. Unless you have taken this path, anything you imagine is so far from it. Unless you have had your heart yanked out of your chest, tore into a million pieces, stomped on, bruised beyond repair, then shoved back in your chest with a HUGE piece missing and told "here, walk around with this the rest of your life." Thats only an inkling of how it feels.
The first year was mostly a blur. Not believing, not understanding, using every ounce of energy to open your eyes, climb out of bed and do something, anything. There is a mask a grieving parent hides behind, you dont want to see the face behind the mask.
The second year was trying to make sense of it all. Trying to remember every memory you can possibly muster. Trying to decide "what do I do now." Trying to help my surviving children. The first year you know things that you need to do, to help, but cannot know or find the way to do it. Possibly help another recently grieving parent. Even when you have been there, are there, the words are not. Everyone grieves differently.
Now I'm entering my third year. It is very hard. I think I had myself fooled that with TIME (as I have heard so many say and mostly from people that havent lost a child) .. with time, it gets easier. Well, the thing with time is...the time you last heard your childs voice, heard her giggles come from her room, touched her during that bedtime hug, watched her on the football field in all her grace and glory, smelled her shampoo after a shower, asked her what she wanted to eat, planned her upcoming birthday and Christmas, and so on... the time between that is getting much longer. And it tears that wound even more.
I receive many signs from Kristin. And they are much needed. They come at times when I feel I cant take another breath with this weight on my heart. Kristin is such a strong spirit, just as she was here with us on Earth. She has and still can do remarkable things. Thats MY Baby!! The rest of my lifetime will be living without *seeing* Kristin in my everyday life but she is with me always. I carry her with me everyday. I know and feel her.
I stopped by a store to get Kristin, Ashley and Jake some balloons the day before Valentine's Day. The lady at the register said "Hi, you're Kristin's Mom, arent you?" That is the best feeling in the world. To hear Kristin's name and not shy away from me and not say her name. I love her name. I expected to hear her name the rest of my years. Please dont let that fade.
We were blessed by Kristin, she was sent here to help us grow. Kristin touched so many hearts that I cannot imagine what life would have been like without her intertwined in our lives for 16 and a half years. It hurts, hurts beyond words, but I would do it all again, and again, and again...just to have her as my daughter. I Love You Kristin! There are angels all around us, you have to open your eyes.