•  From: Kristin's Mom 
  
      Christmas is here and a new year around the corner. Kristin's "Angel-versary" will be January 15th, 2006.  In Kristin's memory, a scholarship fund has been established at the BANK OF DUDLEY in EAST DUBLIN. It will benefit an outstanding senior in the "Class of 2006". *Kristin's class* 
      The Kristin J Gillis Memorial Scholarship will be awarded every year to a student at East Laurens High School from 2006 forward. Kristin LOVED her school, teachers, and friends more than anything. Please stop by and make a donation if you can. $2, $5, $10. It doesnt matter the amount, what does matter is the feeling to have contributed to something so meaningful. Meaningful to me, Kristin, and all the wonderful kids at ELHS. I will be making my contribution tomorrow along with Kristin's contribution.
      After Kristin passed away, I found $100 stashed in her room. A crisp 100 dollar bill still in its Christmas envelope, stuck deep in her Christmas stocking. I have never been able to do anything with it but take it out every so often and look at it and stash it back to her secret hiding place.
      Tomorrow it will come out of hiding and be deposited into the Scholarship Fund along with my contribution. Kristin would be tickled that she made such a generous contribution AND she actually held on to that much money :)
      I hope Christmas is good to everyone. May there be hope, peace and LOTS OF LOVE in everyone's home.
  
  
  2006 Recipient -- Sharnese Axson
  2007 Recipient -- Kesley Jackson
• 2008 Recipient -- Wynton Brantley
• 2009 Recipient -- Jasmine Denson

God only knows why you had to leave me. My life is forever changed by you being my daughter. You completed me. My heart and chain will always be broke. I pray you see all the lives that you touched. Only an angel can bring so much love and joy to so many people. Remember this... you are my heart, my soul, my life! I am proud that you will be my guardian angel for the rest of my journey. We miss you terribly, I Love You Beyond Words! Mom, Todd, Ashley, and Jake.

http://www.kristin-gillis.com

Anyone that knows Kristin definately knows 2 things. Her bright beautiful smile and her love of butterflies. I could add so much more to the list but then I would run out of space to type.

But did you know... her favorite color is light green.. her favorite candy is jolly ranchers... her favorite movies are moulin rouge and la bamba... her favorite car is a Ford Mustang... other than butterflies, she loves monkeys... she loves her bluejeans and t-shirts, nothing dressy (just like mom)... she loves silver jewelry, not gold... she's rather sleep than shop... she got her belly buttoned pierced for her 16th birthday and passed out... she NEVER stayed out of school for any reason, even when she was sick... 

4 months now and the pain doesnt ease. I remember so much and never want to forget a thing......

      I remember how you would not wear a pair of pants unless they were low cut, flare leg. Everytime you had to show me the 3 or 4 days you didnt bite your nails. The day you paced the floor waiting on UPS to bring your class ring. Your sweet 16 birthday party was the best we ever had. The older you got, you really didnt want us to take long vacations because you were away from the phone and your friends for too long. You were sick the first two days of our last vacation but hung in there while we stayed on the go. I wished we could have parasailed like we had planned to. You washing your car every other day. The last card you gave me that you had wrote in that made me cry. Your first prom, you were so excited and nervous. We took so many pictures of you in your prom dress you couldnt wait to get away from us. I remember the first day you came into our lives just like it was yesterday. You were born on Father's Day. And your birthday this year falls on Father's Day once again. I remember you trying to peel your first potatoe and laughing. You was excited Christmas 2003 when I got you the black chain pants and had already guessed it before you opened because of the sound. I always said I would never spend that much on a pair of pants but drove to Macon just for that. How we always tried to out last you at Christmas time so that we could get everything out of the shed. And this last Christmas we decided to not outlast you and went ahead and let you see your BIG stuff. Todd said that was the best hug ever. I miss you throwing your legs over mine as we sat on the couch watching tv together. You were such a pack rat. You kept everything. I wasnt and regret that now. The gardenia you was trying to start for me is still in your room. You still have clothes and games that you received for Christmas that were never wore or opened. I still have the item numbers of the prom dresses you were looking at on the internet laying on my desk you had written down. Your butterfly housecoat still hangs in the bathroom. Your radio still plays in your bedroom 24-7 just as it always did. I still buy your favorite foods when I go grocery shopping. I still wake up every morning hoping you will come out of your bedroom to dig around in the refridgerator. The phone doesnt ring nonstop in the afternoon as it use to. 

 

   I guess I jump from 4 months to 2 years. Not that I dont write, I have a journal at home and write in it mostly. Some feelings are mine and Kristins. Some things are still sacred. Plus, if I wrote here all the thoughts and feelings I have, it would fill up way too soon. 
   So now two years have passed. Where do we stand. We still stand in shock that Kristin does not bless our day with her sweet smile, bubbley personality, wonderful hugs, and warm presence. It is so hard to explain how a parents mind is overcome with so much during grief. Even after two years, it doesnt stop. You take for granite the things you have everyday, and then its gone. And all you have is your thoughts, your memories. It doesnt take much to jog your memory... a taste, a smell, a song, a commercial, a laugh, a teenager, a shirt, etc. 
   So many, think they know what this road is like. They think they may could even possibly imagine it. Save your energy because its all wrong. Unless you have taken this path, anything you imagine is so far from it. Unless you have had your heart yanked out of your chest, tore into a million pieces, stomped on, bruised beyond repair, then shoved back in your chest with a HUGE piece missing and told "here, walk around with this the rest of your life." Thats only an inkling of how it feels. 
   The first year was mostly a blur. Not believing, not understanding, using every ounce of energy to open your eyes, climb out of bed and do something, anything. There is a mask a grieving parent hides behind, you dont want to see the face behind the mask. 
   The second year was trying to make sense of it all. Trying to remember every memory you can possibly muster. Trying to decide "what do I do now." Trying to help my surviving children. The first year you know things that you need to do, to help, but cannot know or find the way to do it. Possibly help another recently grieving parent. Even when you have been there, are there, the words are not. Everyone grieves differently.
   Now I'm entering my third year. It is very hard. I think I had myself fooled that with TIME (as I have heard so many say and mostly from people that havent lost a child) .. with time, it gets easier. Well, the thing with time is...the time you last heard your childs voice, heard her giggles come from her room, touched her during that bedtime hug,  watched her on the football field in all her grace and glory, smelled her shampoo after a shower, asked her what she wanted to eat, planned her upcoming birthday and Christmas, and so on... the time between that is getting much longer. And it tears that wound even more. 
   I receive many signs from Kristin. And they are much needed. They come at times when I feel I cant take another breath with this weight on my heart. Kristin is such a strong spirit, just as she was here with us on Earth. She has and still can do remarkable things. Thats MY Baby!! The rest of my lifetime will be living without *seeing* Kristin in my everyday life but she is with me always. I carry her with me everyday. I know and feel her. 
   I stopped by a store to get Kristin, Ashley and Jake some balloons the day before Valentine's Day. The lady at the register said "Hi, you're Kristin's Mom, arent you?" That is the best feeling in the world. To hear Kristin's name and not shy away from me and not say her name. I love her name. I expected to hear her name the rest of my years. Please dont let that fade.
   We were blessed by Kristin, she was sent here to help us grow. Kristin touched so many hearts that I cannot imagine what life would have been like without her intertwined in our lives for 16 and a half years. It hurts, hurts beyond words, but I would do it all again, and again, and again...just to have her as my daughter. I Love You Kristin! There are angels all around us, you have to open your eyes.